You’re standing up in front of the wedding guests, speech in hand. How confident are you feeling? Probably a lot more if you know your speech contains several good Best Man jokes. They are your “get out of jail free” card, your joker, your not-so-secret weapon. Essentially, they’ll stop you feeling like you’ve just walked into a lion’s den wearing trousers made of raw steak.

However, not everyone likes writing gags. In the same way that not everyone likes assembling IKEA wardrobes. So here are some ready-made Best Man jokes to inspire you.

Lines near the top will set the tone. So, you might want your opening line to be light-hearted rather than a big attempt to be funny. It’s lower stakes and you’ll feel less pressure. Here are some examples:

“Good afternoon, everyone. It’s my great privilege to be GROOM’s Best Man today. And that’s the first and only line in this speech that won’t make GROOM squirm in his seat.”

“To his credit, groom has very few regrets in life. And straight in at number one is asking me to speak today.”

Here are some openers that are more “on the nose”:

“Good afternoon, everyone. It’s time for the Best Man speech. I don’t know who’s more nervous – the groom, the bride or the person who’ll be responsible for dry cleaning my/the groom’s trousers.”

“I was told giving a Best Man speech is like being a male stripper. It’s important to be warmed up but don’t reveal everything all at once.”

If you want one that can be adapted, simply change some of the descriptions below.

“I look forward to telling you all what a thoughtful, romantic, sport-hating, pub-avoiding man GROOM is. And if you believe that, I’ve also got some class A icing sugar I’d like to sell you.”

You can toy with the guests with this as they’ve no idea how long your Best Man speech is going to be. An old classic is: “I hope you’ll all be entertained over the next 45 minutes. Sorry… 4 to 5 minutes.”

Here is another:

“Groom can relax as I am not going to list all of his flaws. The venue’s only booked till 2am.”

Trailing the content of the speech can be fun, especially if you add a twist.

“You will be pleased to hear this speech will contain no elements of a sexual nature. A bit like GROOM’s early 20s.”

“I was told to keep this speech clean and family friendly. Which, given GROOM’s life, is a bit like being asked to do a Western without cowboys, a horror film without blood or porn without nudity.”

Whether you are anxious about giving the speech or not, this is something that everyone can instantly relate to.

“I’ve heard the 3 most nerve-racking things you can do in life are juggle chainsaws, swim with Great White sharks or give a Best Man’s speech sober. Well, I wasn’t taking any chances there. [RAISE YOUR DRINK] Cheers!”

It is quite common for the Best Man to simply make this up. No one really cares how it happened so it’s a free hit.

“Given all he’s done in life, I know GROOM was nervous about who would give the speech. Basically, choosing his Best Man was like choosing which way to have his testicles removed.”

“When I was asked to be Best Man, I knew it meant having to organise an event where groom dressed up in silly clothes, got drunk and embarrassed himself. Or as it’s usually called – Saturday night in his local pub.”

The focus of most Best Man jokes is, of course, the hapless groom. But you can widen your net. The occasion itself, and marriage in general, are fertile ground.

“They say marriage is an institution. But there again so is His Majesty’s Prison Service / The Federal Bureau of Prisons.”

“A wedding celebrates the joining together of two people in the eyes of family, friends and the most important of all – the taxman.”

“One fateful evening, the arrow of true love struck BRIDE. It also struck BRIDE that GROOM was totally drunk.”

Here’s a blog post with some more wedding jokes.

You don’t always need lots of stories to make your speech work. Just pick a few of his flaws or foibles and brainstorm some ideas. If all goes well, you’ll end up with some great personalised Best Man jokes.

Here are some angles and examples:

Bad timekeeping

“John’s timekeeping is so bad that if you type his name into a smartphone it says: ‘Do you mean: “John, where the hell are you”?’”

Fashion choices

“I don’t want to make too much of his dodgy fashion choices, but the only way GROOM could ever look a million dollars is if he started with two million.”

“I think we can all agree GROOM looks great today. Which is what happens when someone else chooses his clothes for him.”

OCD

Is he obsessive about his appearance, the cleanliness of his home or the ways things are ordered on his shelves?

“In the time it takes GROOM to get ready, you could hitchhike across America or build the Pyramids.”

“I wouldn’t say every aspect of John’s life is ruled by spreadsheets, but I’ve heard he’s budgeted 5 minutes for fun in the bridal suite… and 4 of those are getting undressed.”

“GROOM really is the sworn enemy of dirt. Even his trainers have to be more spotless than a choir master’s personal references.”

Sports mad

“GROOM is mesmerised by anything on TV involving men chasing or hitting a ball. He’s like a cat staring at a goldfish bowl.”

Vanity

Has he worn mirrors out by looking them?

“I couldn’t possibly accuse GROOM of being vain but whenever he passes a mirror, he’s in danger of getting whiplash.”

Knowing you have a speech with a set of funny best man jokes will definitely give you more confidence. But don’t over-rely on them. Think of best man jokes as the icing on the cake not the cake itself. If you’re going to include a couple that are “off-the-shelf”, the best place is near the top of the speech where people will be expecting an icebreaker or two.

Good luck with your Best Man speech!

If you’d like some more Best Man gags and icebreakers, why not check out this package here?