How to write a eulogy
In writing your eulogy, think of these three guiding aims:
- What the person meant to you
- What the person meant to everyone else in the room
- How the person would like to have been remembered
In a way, you have two audiences: those in front of you and the person who has passed on. You will want to celebrate the person’s life to those who’ve been left behind. Equally, you will want to deliver a eulogy that you could imagine the deceased approving of if they were alive to hear it.
So, how to write a eulogy that captures the above?
Eulogy content and structure
A good rule to follow is: content first, structure second. Even if you roughly know how you’re going to structure things, always focus on the stories and material first. This is the beating heart of any speech, including a eulogy.
Here some things to include:
A story that can act as a centre-piece – something that captures a key aspect of the person and their relationship to others.
Something for which you believe they’d love to be remembered for – their sense of humour, always being there to help, raising a family, the business they built, etc.
Key people in the person’s life – spouse, siblings, children. Mentioning each person once by name can be enough. People LOVE to hear their name.
Stories and themes
You are faced with, literally, a lifetime’s worth of potential things to choose from. So, be selective. Think of stories that will resonate. It might be a silly little thing the person used to do that everyone can relate to or simply something that was very dear to them. Here are some possibilities:
About the person
- Where they were born and their proud heritage
- The field they worked in
- A favourite meal they liked or enjoyed cooking
- Their favourite sports team and any rituals surrounding it
- Any hobbies or interests
- An expression they were fond of
- A town or country they loved to visit
- A fondly remembered family occasion such as a wedding or big birthday celebration
- Milestones e.g. either them or a family member going to college
The ideas can be an anecdote or a simple observation about the person’s funny ways. If it pops into your head quickly, that’s usually a good sign that it will resonate with others.
The story of the person’s life
Once you have lots of things you’d like to cover, how to structure your eulogy? The simplest is chronological.
Your opening line can be: “John MIDDLE NAME SURNAME was born on 20th Jan 1962 at X hospital in Y town.”
This has advantage of being factual. It is less likely to lead to tears early in the speech. Moreover, not everyone will know where the person was born or where they grew up. Some light details like this early on might not be as dry as they sound. You can then continue to unfold the story of the person’s life with key milestones – school, job, meeting a partner, having children, etc. Stories can come roughly where they occurred in the person’s life but don’t get too hung up on the exact order.
Watch out for:
Avoid making it sound like a Wikipedia entry; don’t list too many facts. Move from biographical detail to things which will bring their personality alive.
Eulogy dos and dont’s
Things to avoid:
- Too much factual detail – paint a picture of the person in stories rather than their work CV.
- If you mention it, keep any talk of final days and any illness very short. Avoid medical terms. Instead, you can use terms like “After falling ill…” “Her illness…”, etc.
- Don’t make the focus too much about your relationship with the deceased. Make it broader. An exception is if another person is giving the main eulogy and your speech is a more personal tribute.
Things to consider
If appropriate, you could thank any individuals (family members, friends or nurses) for caring for the person.
Delivering the eulogy
The biggest fear is losing control of your emotions and crying. If it happens, it happens. The audience will not see this is as a failure but an instinctive and authentic expression of love and loss. Equally, don’t feel that if you don’t tear up or cry that you have somehow been a robot. Some can deliver like this; others can’t. It’s as simple as that.
Emotional speech
If you find yourself in a crying jag, let it pass. Don’t rush back into the speech as you might have to stop again shortly afterwards. Don’t feel the need to say “sorry”; it’s totally normal and natural and everyone will understand. Compose yourself and move on.
Length
- Don’t feel the need to cover all aspects of the person’s life. Be selective and each story or passage will stand out more.
- Choose a length you’ll be comfortable delivering. A long speech might have more occasions for heightened moments where you’re overcome with emotion.
Eulogy tone
Surely the tone of a eulogy is obvious? Sombre and respectful! To that I would say: respectful, yes. But it doesn’t have to be sombre. Eulogies I’ve seen and written have varied in tone. Some are stories of the person’s life with some light-hearted moments, while others contain a number of amusing stories. This is where you can be guided by the very first tip – how would the person want to be celebrated? The tone follows…
The tone also depends on the circumstances of the person’s passing. Celebrating someone who lived a long life is different from someone taken too soon. The latter can also incorporate elements of what could have been.
In sum, think about what people in the audience would expect to hear given the person’s personality and their life. And ask yourself what the deceased would have wanted too.
Final thoughts on writing a eulogy
Write from the heart rather than ticking boxes. A moving speech is better than a wonderfully comprehensive one. Follow your instincts on what you feel captures your loved one.
Of course, there is another option – and that is to hire someone who runs a speech writing service! And that’s me, Marc Blakewill. So why not check out my about page or get in touch below and see how I could help you write a speech for any occasion.
Thanks for reading!
Marc