Wedding speech jokes

Everyone wants to get at least one or two laughs in their wedding speech. It’s why you’re here reading this blog post. However, a lot of wedding speech jokes on the internet are older than the Grand Canyon. So, if you want to avoid the ancient, why not take a look at this original selection below?

The day itself

Elements to work with here include: the venue, the date, the first dance, and who did most of the organising.  It’s all stuff that’s in the here-and-now which makes it instantly relatable.

The venue

Is the venue somewhere exotic or difficult to get to? Or was it one that took ages to decide upon?

GROOM: “I think we spent longer choosing the venue than we did choosing each other.”

The guests

Everyone loves to be mentioned, so why not gently poke fun at the guests?

“I must say everyone looks fabulous, even the guys. it’s amazing what happens when someone else chooses your clothes for you.”

The date itself

Did something historically significant happen on this day? You could try to find a link to make a light-hearted remark: For example, 3rd August:

“On this day, Columbus set sail for the Americas, and now BRIDE and GROOM have embarked on their journey through married life… with less use of rum and the whip. That comes later on in a marriage.”


Here’s a chance to praise others without making it a standard thank you line.

“I realise I am standing here like a Chief Executive at an AGM basking in the glory of others’ hard work.”

“BRIDE spent at least a year planning this. To put that into perspective, that’s seven man-years.”

Paying for the day

Money and weddings can be a fraught subject. However, a simple joke about it being eye-wateringly expensive is something everyone can relate to.

“They say you’ll remember this day for the rest of your life. And it’s true: it already appears on my credit score.”

Your role

Whether you’re the Best Man or Maid of Honour/Chief Bridesmaid, you can joke about your role and responsibilities.

“After today I will have to update my CV. ‘Greatest achievement in life: getting BRIDE to the ceremony on time’.”

About the speech and your delivery

Maybe you are nervous or hate public speaking; or perhaps everyone knows you like to speak a lot. Play with the guests’ expectations with a wedding joke about this.

“You will be pleased to hear I have been told by my wife that I shouldn’t speak for too long. She gave me this advice 32 years ago so I should really start acting on it.”

“I was told a wedding speech should mix the wisdom of Solomon with the wit of Ricky Gervais. Unfortunately, you’re more likely to get the wit of Solomon and the wisdom of Ricky Gervais.”

The engagement

Was it a long courtship? You could joke the bride and groom were trying to break the Guinness World Record for longest-ever engagement. Or you could insinuate the groom is now over the hill: “When BRIDE saw him on one knee, she thought he was going to ask: ‘Will you be my care assistant?’”

Grooms also often feel it’s impossible to hide their intentions. Here’s a possible line:

“As many people know, trying to hide a proposal is like trying to hide a blue whale under a tea towel.”


If you’re struggling for material or don’t know the bride and groom very well, spoof marriage tips can work. They’re best near the end of the speech.

Funny marriage tips:

  1. Dance like no one’s watching, but argue like everyone’s listening.
  2. Ensure there’s good wi-fi in the spare room. You’ll never know when you’ll be sleeping there.
  3. Surprises keep a marriage fresh but it’s best not to use booby traps.
  4. Always listen respectfully to your other half’s opinion, especially when you plan to ignore it.
  5. Absence makes the heart grow fonder… but it’s not an excuse for a 10-day golfing trip.
  6. If you squabble over the small things… you’ll have more practice for the big things.
  7. Forgetting your wedding anniversary is not the end of the world, but it might invalidate your life insurance.
  8. Being totally honest with your wife is always the best option… if you have quick reflexes.

Alternatively, you could refer to the tradition of giving tips.

“I won’t give any marital advice today. The book I ordered didn’t arrive in time.”

The bride and groom

Best Man jokes can be a little closer to the bone, but if you’re the Father of the Bride or Maid of Honour a gentle wedding joke might do just fine.

“GROOM clearly has the attributes to be a wonderful husband. In supporting NAME OF SPORTS TEAM he has shown limitless tolerance and patience.”

“GROOM is clearly one in a million. And thank goodness for that.”

“In married life you have to accept your wife is right much of the time. And by much of the time I mean Monday to Sunday, including Bank Holidays/Public Holidays.”

Their relationship

Take the couple’s favourite tipple and base a joke around it.

“We always knew there was a special kind of chemistry between them. Or as it’s technically called – the effects of alcohol/wine on the central nervous system.”

Old classics

I’d advise against it, but it’s not the end of the world to use an old wedding speech joke. After all, even Stephen King has tweeted this classic.

“The wedding was so beautiful that even the cake was in tiers.”

But if you do plan to use a time-honoured line, it’s probably best to do so with a nod and a wink. Make it obvious you know it’s an oldie and a groaner. For classic wedding speech jokes for Best Men, Hitched have a list here.


There are lots of classic wedding speech jokes out there but a small amount of effort coming up with an original one will get you more kudos – and probably more laughter. However, if you don’t fancy yourself as a wordsmith – or simply don’t have the time – these packages contain more original wedding speech jokes.

Alternatively, I could write your wedding speech for you with bespoke jokes throughout. I am a professional speech writer with many years’ experience crafting excellent speeches full of original gags. Click here for more details of my five-star-rated wedding speech writing service.