The Top Ten Mistakes a Best Man could make…as imagined in William’s Best Man speech for Prince Harry.

The speech

Good afternoon, everyone. My name’s William and I have the honour of being my brother’s Best Man. Though I have to confess, I thought twice about it. People say that being a Best Man is like having sex with the Queen– a wonderful honour, but no one really wants to do it. 1

Now, it’s great to see so many familiar faces here. But, as I was warned, that’s what happens when cousins marry. 2

I know they say don’t mention ex-girlfriends in the speech, so I won’t. For a start, I’ve only got 10 minutes. There have been so many, I had to look up their names on Wikipedia: Astrid, Cressida, Florence – half-way down the list I had to remind myself I wasn’t reading a South Kensington telephone directory. 3

That said, I have to say it’s a real shame Harry didn’t marry his last girlfriend. I was going to give him a great book to read on honeymoon: 101 Things To Do In Chelsy. 4

But, no matter. My brother’s done very well for himself. I thought he was going to have to marry some squinty-eyed humpbacked Dutch princess. So no one is more delighted than me that Harry is going to shack up with someone most men in this room wouldn’t kick out of bed in the morning. 5

And talking of shacking up, I come on to the stag do. But I won’t go into details. What goes on tour, stays on tour. Which was a brilliant piece of advice we got from the prostitute. It’s just a shame the STD clinic disagreed with her assessment. 6

So what actually attracted this stunner to this ginger minger? I’ve no idea. Did she hear the accent and assume he was Harry Potter? If so, she’s going to be very disappointed at the magic in his wand. The only time someone’s ever said Harry is well hung is when they’ve seen his portrait on the wall. 7

Unfortunately, not everyone who was invited today could come and so I’d just like to read out a quick message.

“Sir Harry. Give her one from me. It will be the best sex. Ever. Happy face.”

That’s from President Trump 8

But there’s more! Let me tell you some hilarious stories about when Harry first got drunk; when he got drunk another time; and that very funny time he got very drunk… and so on for another 15 minutes. 9

And I’d like to finish by raising a toast to Meghan’s gorgeous bridesmaids. Though, to be honest, most men in here are already raising something else!

To the bridesmaids! 10

The Top Ten Best Man Commanddon’ts

So, as William is escorted to the Tower of London, let me give you my Top Ten Best Man Commanddon’ts.

1. DON’T use an old gag from off the web at the top. It might get some laughter but now most guests will suspect any of the original jokes you’ve written might also be “traditional arrangement”. What you gain at the top, you lose many times over.

2. Keep the object of your mockery as the Groom and any close friends. Your Best Man’s speech “free pass” DOESN’T extend to all and sundry.

3. It’s true. DON’T refer to ex-girlfriends. If it’s kiss chase at primary school, fine. Otherwise, avoid at all costs.

4. DON’T cross the line. Where is the line with appropriate humour? You only know when you step over it. If in doubt, leave it out.

5. DON’T refer to the bride sexually. Fairly obvious you might think but “The Bride has a great rack” is one comment I felt did not need to be included in a Best Man’s speech. Remarks that she looks beautiful will do just fine.

6. DON’T go into too much detail about the stag do. Most guests probably don’t want to hear about strippers or booze-fuelled debauchery. If you want to hint that the stag do was wild, keep it as that. A hint.

7. DON’T feel the need to shock. The biggest myth about the Best Man’s speech is that it must somehow push boundaries or shock. Nope. It just needs to be funny. And making some guests look away in embarrassment is not being funny or clever.

8. DON’T do “funny” telegrams. They are difficult to do well and are a bit hackneyed.

9. DON’T go on too long. 8 minutes is the sweet spot. Anything over ten and you’re entering the danger zone.

10. DON’T make cheap jokes about the bridesmaids. “Who will shag the bridesmaids?” and jokes of that ilk commit two Best Man speech crimes: it’s unnecessarily risqué humour and it’s a cliché.

Avoid these Best Man bear traps and you’re halfway there. Good luck!

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Photo of Prince Harry is by, and copyright, Glyn Lowe.

It is used under the Creative Commons licence here. The original image (click on the link above) was longer. The image used here has been cropped at the bottom.