Funny Wedding Speech - All Write On The Night

Funny speech for a wedding

Let’s be honest. When you stand up to speak at a wedding, the guests are really hoping they are going to hear a funny wedding speech. The heartfelt is expected but comic moments will make it truly memorable. And this is not just about the speech from the Best Man or Maid of Honour. Every wedding speech has the potential to make people laugh. So, let’s take a look at some ways to add some “funny”.

Funny wedding advice

Some speakers like to give a line or two of “hard-won wisdom” about married life. Others like to make light of marriage’s inevitable ups and downs. Some incorporate both. So, here are some tips on how to write some funny wedding or marriage advice.

Make the subject of the advice relatable – doing household chores, obsession with sport, etc.
Keep the lines snappy and try to end the sentence with the most unexpected bit.
A good tone to aim for is that of greeting cards humour. It’s family-friendly and silly. So, don’t include anything sexual unless it’s harmless innuendo.

Below are some examples of spoof marriage advice and wisdom:

Love makes the world go round, but not as quickly as a few glasses of white wine.
Don’t ask how your partner can improve as a person, just hint very strongly.
Opening your heart is much more appreciated than opening your wallet. And cheaper.
It’s not about winning an argument; it’s the taking part that counts.
If you think you can avoid doing household chores by doing them badly, you’d be absolutely right.
It’s impossible to calculate what each of you contributes to the marriage… so use a spreadsheet.

Wedding props

People occasionally like to use objects or photos in their speech. They really do have to earn their place though. A prop on its own is not a guaranteed laugh. Here are some potential props to use:

A beloved childhood toy – was there a doll or teddy who never left the bride or groom’s side? You could misdirect people by saying: “We must now come on to the love of his/her life”.
An old school report – you could read out some amusing remarks. Is there a subject that relates to what the bride or groom does now? If they’re in finance or the media, was their maths or English report “could do better”?
An everyday object that forms a surprising part of a story e.g. a fork that the groom tried to eat soup with while drunk. Or maybe something that the bride mispronounced when young. Anyone for President “Broccoli” Obama?
Photos of the bride or groom from when they were young – these could be hidden under the seats or in envelopes on the table.

Things to look out for:

The timing of the prop or photo reveal is crucial. Any fumbling will lose the moment.
Props always pull focus; once it has done its job, try to stow it away.

Rude jokes and innuendo for a wedding

This is more suitable for a Best Man’s speech, but some Fathers of The Bride also like to use some riskier gags. My advice is: don’t feel the need to include this unless you’re known for this style of humour.

Speech length

“Well, after that speech, John can finally say…. ‘I was the longest man in the room.’”

“Don’t be surprised if John speaks for 40 minutes. He’s always wanted people to be impressed by his length.”

Sexual prowess

It won’t surprise you to hear everything about this wedding has been planned to the second. There’s even a special ten minutes for the bridal suite. Unfortunately, 9 minutes of that will be John getting out of his suit.

Honesty

A friend once asked Jane what her favourite sexual position was. She immediately replied: “A five-star hotel in Paris.”

Puns

If John ever takes Jane to Venice, he must take her to the Bridge of Sighs. After all, every woman knows that when it comes to a romantic weekend, Sighs matters.”

Substance abuse

I promised I wouldn’t drink before this speech. But I have to say the ketamine has gone right to my head.

Note: delivery is important too. Make it clear this is clowning around. When it comes to rude wedding jokes and innuendo, it’s not just what you’ve got, but what you do with it!

Wedding jokes

Many wedding speech gags are similar in tone to Christmas cracker jokes. Something that makes you smile or perhaps even groan. Especially if you have heard it before. There are lots of old favourites out there so do try to be original if you can.

Groom: “I had some helpful advice for the ceremony. Just say “yes” to everything then do the same thing for the next 50 years.”
Groom: “I don’t want to disappoint but we won’t do a first dance. The venue saw me do some moves and realised their insurance didn’t cover natural disasters.”

I’ve written a blog post with lots of original wedding jokes here.

Wedding speech ideas

The best wedding speech idea is to get the basics right: choose good stories, structure things well and ensure the speech has no fat on it or false notes. However, if you’re looking for something a bit different from the norm, here are some ideas:

Best Man – you could construct the speech as a spoof CV. Has the groom got what it takes to win the heart of the bride? See a full post on that here.

Father of the Bride – use an old school report as a basis for your main stories. Take a line or grade from each subject and use it as a jumping off point for your anecdote. Did she get lost as a child? Geography. A misadventure with alcohol? – biology. And so on.

Groom – quotes and spoof titles. If your wife-to-be is a big fan of a TV series, author or music act, pluck out a line or two from their work. It could relate to how you met, your foibles or your adventures together. Or simply twist a well-known title e.g. sneaking the engagement ring in your luggage could become: “Harry Potter And The Airport Scanner of Doom”.

Conclusion

Writing a funny speech for a wedding is a noble aim. It will not only entertain but will allow you to smuggle in a few more bits of schmalzy stuff without it being too sentimental. Do try to keep the style of humour in keeping with your personality. However, if you’re not natural a joke-writer, there’s no harm in borrowing a couple of icebreakers for the top. But for the rest of the speech, use as much original humour as you can.