Good afternoon, everyone. I’m John, Simon’s Best Man.

I am very proud to have been asked to fulfil this role today, particularly as it was such a rigorous selection process. Simon’s questions included: “Are you available that day?” and “Can you speak and stand at the same time?” Well, as you’ll soon see, one out of two ain’t bad!

So how did someone as level-headed and sensible as me ever end up mates with someone like Simon?

Well, before you get repetitive stress injury from shaking your heads in confusion, let’s take a look at the evidence.

I have actually known Simon since I was 11, although we didn’t go to school together.  One of our shared passions was football and we played together for many years. Unsurprisingly as he was tall, Simon played centre back. Though if he had to, he could play left back and his other favourite position – left-out.

You can tell just by looking at this lean, mean, running machine that sport has always been in his blood. He now likes to do triathlons and is a really keen runner and cyclist. In fact, Simon has so little body fat that he’s the only person I know who’s tried to put on weight for his wedding.

Being such a serious sports freak leads on to another typically male obsession. He must have all the latest gear. And it is good stuff. Especially his bike. It is so light, Simon is less scared of it getting stolen than it being blown away by a gust of wind.

But not content with doing the odd triathlon, Simon had to go one further and do an Iron Man. I flew to Portugal to watch him do it. I think Simon swam there.

To be honest, he probably could swim the Atlantic Ocean. After all, here is the official definition of an Iron Man:

“A long-distance triathlon race consisting of a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bicycle ride and a marathon 26.22-mile…without a break.”

I got that definition from the website: “Things to do if you are clinically insane”. The rest of us are happy with a FitBit telling us we’ve managed to get out of bed and walk to the fridge and back.

So, you might suppose his friends all call Simon something like “the Iron Man” or “Shoulders of Steel”. Oh, how wrong you would be. We now call him “The Donald”.  Not after the greatest Donald in history, Donald Duck, but the other cartoon character, Donald Trump.

So why Trump? Well, when out drinking on a Saturday night we’ve all seen Simon floored by a shot, but he gets straight back up again for more.

This bodily reaction is no surprise as his blood is probably expecting its usual intake of power proteins and over-priced vitamins. Instead, it finds itself contending with enough alcohol to tranquillise a rhinoceros.

So, Simon is a shot-downing superhero by night, but what does this mild-mannered man do by day? What lucky profession is the canvas upon which he paints his various talents? None of us are actually sure.

In fact, the less info he gives us, the more we are convinced Simon works for MI5 or the CIA. Think about it. He says he works “in computers”. How vague is that? And the complete give away is that he always denies being a spy. Only someone who works for MI5 would do that. Case closed.

For now…. because on the stag do [the bachelor party], Simon did insist some elements remain “classified”.  Dancing girls, falling asleep in the hotel garden, losing his passport and his dignity – to our collective shame, none of that happened. Instead, Simon found himself tucked up in bed at 9pm on the second night. He claimed he needed to – and I quote – “re-charge his batteries for the next day.”

Was this a day of unrestrained debauchery? An all-you-can-drink trip to a micro-brewery followed by a tour round a crystal meth factory? No, at his very own insistence, Simon wanted us all to go to the Water Park. As he told me in earnest tones a few months ago – he likes going down the slides…. backwards. It’s a party trick that surely would win the heart of any fair maiden.

At this point, I must congratulate you for remaining in the room. I know it’s been harrowing. But it could have been worse. Luckily for Simon, I won’t regale you with the following highlights from his biography.

• The time he claimed he was the chess champion at primary school only for his mum to admit there was a flu outbreak that week and he was only one of 5 kids in that day.
• The time he walked into a fast food place at midnight and shouted “kebabs on me” only for not a single person to take him up on his generous offer.
• And, of course, the time he DID fall asleep in a hotel garden and had to be awoken by the staff with a hose.

From my first meeting with Simon all those years ago, it was clear that only a special woman would ever be suitable for him. And by special, I mean not just in personality but fortitude and courage.

Which brings me on to the beautiful bride….. Anna. How did Simon meet such a fantastic person… without the aid of the dark arts?

Well, as Simon told you in his speech, they met at a wedding. It was almost 5 years ago and I was Best Man. You could say today is like a full turn in the circle of life. Or you could say that’s what happens when you give guests free booze.

In any event, it’s clear it was a fortunate meeting, as a great couple was formed that day. For the avoidance of doubt, I am still taking about Simon.

More seriously, I am delighted that Anna and Simon met at the wedding. He deserves nothing less than the love of a good woman. Simon really is such a caring friend who would do anything for you. Not only that but he’s properly level-headed and calm. Like the Dalai Lama after some weed, not much ruffles him. He can be both the voice of reason and the source of loads of jokes. It’s just brilliant being with him.

And I think it’s fair to say, one of his greatest achievements so far in life – apart from choosing an astonishingly good Best Man – is his son Sam. He has brought him up to be a lovely young man. Which I know is a terribly embarrassing thing for a 14-year-old to hear. But Sam, we know you can handle it.

So, knowing that Simon has been such a great friend and seeing him be such a good dad, I have no doubt he will be an excellent husband.  And, as he is a huge Meat Loaf fan, I have no choice but to say the following…

Simon would do anything for love. I think he would even do that. Whatever “that” is, I will leave to your own imaginations. Personally, I was thinking “always leaving the toilet seat down” but I think some of you had gone somewhere else with that. Shame on you.

So, Anna, despite his weird and wonderful ways – especially his obsession with fitness and his moonlighting at MI5 – I must congratulate you on your choice of husband. And Simon, I’m genuinely honoured to be your Best Man today.

What’s more, I couldn’t be happier you’ve chosen to be someone as wonderful as Anna. And Anna being a hairdresser is perfect for you. Not just for the free haircuts but to have someone who knows how to nod and smile politely when you’re talking nonsense.

So congratulations to the both of you. Everyone in this room wishes you nothing but infinite amounts of joy, happiness and espionage-themed adventures.

If you’d all be upstanding please……….. I’d like to raise a toast… to Simon and Anna.

END

Here are some key take-aways.

1. It was about 1,300 words, which should be about 7-8 minutes of speaking time.
2. You’ll notice the lines near the top are fairly snappy. This helps build momentum and will provide contrast with some of the longer stories later.
3. The structure of this Best Man speech example is not elaborate. It’s more woven together with call-backs – e.g. fitness, spying, falling asleep in a hotel garden. Structure is there to aid the flow and does not have to be all-singing and all-dancing.
4. One section has stories condensed into one or two lines. This is good if you want to cover lots of material but don’t want the speech to last till Christmas.
5. The stag do / bachelor party. This is not always necessary as it can sometimes come across as: “Breaking News – ‘Men Drink Beer And Behave Badly’”. On the other hand, it’s safe territory as everyone knows they have permission to laugh at you all for this.
6. There were no “thanks” to people. That will have been done – possibly to death – by the tag-team of the Father of the Bride and the Groom. So, you don’t need to be the third person to welcome everyone.
7. The heartfelt bit came all at the end. Yes, you could spread the nicer lines throughout but that requires more gear changes. Place it all near the end and it’s a two-paragraph prize for the groom for sitting there like a lame duck for 7 minutes.

Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Josh, Adam’s Best Man. And it is a great privilege to tell you all what an incredible, funny, charming, successful man…Catherine could have married.

First, I would just like to say given the military precision with which this wedding has been organised one can only assume that Adam’s role was limited. And when I say limited, I mean he was told: “Adam, please a hire suit and turn up on time.”

Second, I’d like to thank Catherine for her excellent judgement of character. Not in marrying Adam, but in believing I could be entrusted to look after him the night before his wedding. My wife said it would be madness. But not a drop of alcohol touched our lips. Because it didn’t even touch the sides.

Now, Adam will be glad – or terrified – to hear that I have taken this role extremely seriously and conducted some research. I asked Robert for some stories about Adam. And Tony too. Did I get tales that would make the Emperor Nero blush? No. I got a big fat nothing. Either Adam is a saint or he got them all to sign a watertight confidentiality agreement. So it has been left to me to rake the dirt. Luckily, there’s plenty of that to go around.

So let us begin at the beginning…

I first met Adam at work over 15 years ago. We worked in the same office and I soon got to know a man who was both methodical and moral.  He really is a stickler for doing things right. The sort of guy who’d leave a post-it on your desk saying: “Dear work colleague, this message is to inform you I have temporarily borrowed one of your paper clips. It will be returned as soon as humanly possible in the same – if not superior – condition to that in which I found it. Yours faithfully…Adam.”

I wouldn’t say Adam is obsessed with order and cleanliness but if you see a speck of dust in his house, you assume you’ve just encountered a glitch in The Matrix. We just have to hope he doesn’t get worse as he gets older. He could end up as the guy who bleaches his bleach bottles, rubs down his rubber gloves and insists his cat wear a mask if it ever sneezes.

But his love of all things proper isn’t restricted to his house. Adam is fond of his fashion too. A bit too fond if you ask me. When most people hit 40, they know their time’s up and make the slow march to the shops to be clothed like a golfer. Not Adam. He insists on wearing designer jeans and shirts. Armani, Lacoste, Ralph Lauren…he’s got so many labels in his wardrobe, he probably needs to upgrade his home insurance. Give it 20 years and Adam will have a Hugo Boss hearing aid and a Pierre Cardin zimmer frame.

But it’s all very well buying posh stuff but how does it look on him? Put it like this: Scotty in Star Trek used to say: “You cannae break the laws of physics” Well, he never saw Adam manage to fit into a pair of skinny jeans. It’s like wondering how they put a ship in a bottle. Honestly, it hurts me just to look at him.

But Adam’s fondness for flash stuff is not restricted to clothes. Showing him a fancy label is like saying open sesame to his wallet. Even with drink.

He particularly likes a single malt whisky like Lagavulin. At least, he thinks he does. I always buy him Bells and he hasn’t noticed yet. Actually, I’m joking there because I think he would notice. Lagavulin is not any old whisky; the website says it has complex layers of hickory smokiness, dried fruit and it gets you totally hammered. Let’s be honest, Adam might think he’s being a connoisseur, but he’d happily drink whisky out of an old sock.

Which is what might have got both of us into a spot of bother on holiday in Sofia a few years ago. It starts as all such stories do…once upon a time, we were in a bar.

Now, the bar was closing so Adam did what any sensible person would do – he jumped over and grabbed some bottles of Becks. Unfortunately, we didn’t realise we were being watched by the owners. Bulgarian owners who just so happened to be about eight-foot tall.

When Adam and I left the bar, we were ambushed. The owners had been waiting for us. Adam spotted one enormous guy behind me and shouted “run”. It was too late. The proprietor was soon expressing his disapproval of our bar etiquette by grabbing me by the neck and preventing me from breathing. And not in a friendly way.

How did Adam react? He showed incredible athleticism and saved the day. Sorry, I’ll correct that. He showed incredible athleticism and saved himself. Adam here sprinted off like Usain Bolt, leaving me to deal with what surely must have been the Bulgarian Pro-Wrestling team.

Unfortunately, while Adam was heroically running away, he managed to run face-first into a wheelie bin. Meanwhile the disgruntled owners were busy putting my body into various extreme yoga positions that I most definitely had not requested.

But, luckily, the injuries were no worse than a usual Saturday night in Wetherspoons [UK pub chain for non-UK readers]. I ended up with a black eye and lots of body parts that now went “ow!”.

Returning home, I wore sunglasses when my wife came to collect me. I said I’d fallen down the stairs. How did that explain the fact Adam looked like he’d been in the wars too? Our brilliant excuse that had taken hours of planning was that Adam had fallen down on top of me! Now you will understand why everything in this speech is true… we’re both rubbish at making things up!

So this is not just a story. This is a confession to our wives – whatever you might think, your husbands aren’t as hard as a group of muscle-bound Bulgarian giants. Well, you can’t have everything.

So, where does this leave us? It leaves us thinking … Catherine, she’s clever, she’s wise, she’s absolutely lovely… how did she fall for Adam?

This speech was my attempt to unravel this riddle, but I must sorrowfully conclude I have only deepened the mystery.

However, what I do know beyond all doubt is that I am very proud to be standing here as Adam’s Best Man and – more importantly – his friend of 17 years. Throughout our friendship, I have always been able to count on his loyalty, good humour and impeccable moral sense – except when it comes to foreign bars selling Becks.

Life takes us on various unplanned journeys, but Adam must know he is very lucky that his took to him to a workplace where he met Catherine, then to a pub where they had a clearly successful date and – one or two years later – to this very venue where they’ve become husband and wife.

Adam, to say kind words about the bride is expected in a wedding speech, but I can say this in all sincerity: Catherine is perfect for you. Not only does she keep you in check, but she allows you out of the house in those skinny jeans. You’ve found a good one there!

So it just remains for me to say. From every single one of us here. Congratulations to you both. I’m sure you’re going to be incredibly happy together.

Ladies and gents….I think it’s time to raise a toast to the newly weds….

…to Adam and Catherine!

END

Here are some notes on the second Best Man speech example.

1. Like the first, it was about 1,300 words, which should be about 7-8 minutes of speaking time.
2. You don’t need an old favourite at the top to kick things off. You can use a light-hearted one-liner to get people warmed up.
3. It briefly mentions other friends – Robert and Tony – which brings more people into the speech but without making it about them.
4. Not everyone will know how you met the groom; turn it into a mini-story (paperclips) and it’ll be more fun. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate for comic effect!
5. This speech has a set-piece story – the bar, the Becks and the bust-up. Such a longer story tends to work best as the final one after some shorter stories and jokes.
6. Don’t be afraid to praise the bride. Doing so at the groom’s expense makes it sound less cloying or potentially insincere.

Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Michael, and today I have the privilege of being Jordan’s Best Man. As most of you know, I am also his younger brother.

It’s therefore a great honour to stand here and praise him in public … the first time anyone has ever done that for free. But I also warn you, this speech will contain the “t” word: the truth – the harsh reality of growing up with Jordan.

So, let’s open the Book of Jordan and turn the page to Chapter One: “The innocent early years”.

As kids, Jordan and I shared a room together. It worked like a dream. I dreamed of having my own room. Basically, I’d want everything to be clean and tidy. Jordan thought: why put stuff away in cupboards when you can just chuck it on the floor. He created more havoc than Covid on a cruise ship.

Did Jordan need more self-discipline? I don’t know but he decided to join the army at 19.

I won’t to go into too many details so here’s a joke for you instead:

What’s the difference between Jordan in the army and a bag of frozen peas?

A bag of frozen peas lasts more than a month.

Yes, 6 weeks later and he was home. Now he knows why they call it basic training. He basically couldn’t do it. But we shouldn’t mock. Jordan joined up for a good reason. Some people want to do a good job for King and country, Jordan just wanted a job.

That said, we were all happy to see him come back. You don’t want to see your brother being shouted at or told to do things he doesn’t want to do. That’s what family’s for.

He hadn’t changed that much either. Apart from being on crutches. I don’t want to make Jordan sound like a professional clown, but he can be a bit accident prone. Not only did he do in his leg when he was in the army, he also fell out of bed trying to get his phone charger and injured his arm. He turned himself hands-free.

It doesn’t end there. He once stabbed himself with a screwdriver at work and had to be taken to hospital. Jordan’s medical record is so ridiculous, it’s probably written in comic sans. So, it’s no surprise that when he entered his details into an internet life expectancy calculator, it didn’t give him a date. It just said: “Congratulations on making it this far.”

That said, I hope he turns up on the dance floor for the first dance. Despite the risk he could break a rib, it could be a real spectacle. You see, as a kid, he loved Michael Jackson.

I’ll never forget watching telly in the living room when in walks Jordan holding his dinner and moonwalking to the couch. Michael Jackson was a brilliant dancer, but I bet he never moonwalked holding beans on toast.

Jordan has since discovered a new hero: Tyson Fury. The 3 biggest Fury fans are probably Fury’s mum, his girlfriend and Jordan.

Seriously. He’s got notifications set up on his phone for everything. If Tyson Fury gets a parking ticket, has a dental appointment or 4 Weetabix for breakfast, Jordan’s the first to know.

He’s not just a Fury stalker, though. He watches his boxing matches too.

While watching one fight, Jordan got a bit drunk. He tried to remove his t-shirt and couldn’t get it off. His arms were stuck. It was like he was fighting himself. Here we are watching one of the best boxers in the world move like a dancer, and on the sofa Jordan is complaining that his t-shirt has got him in an armlock.

If Jordan has a few beers today God knows how he’s going to get out of his wedding gear. He’ll know why it’s called a Morning Suit. ‘Cos he’ll still be wearing it in the morning.

But being a Fury fan did inspire Jordan to get into the ring. In September last year he joined up to do some white-collar kick boxing.

We all got very excited. All the family and our friends came. I even bought a new suit and shoes just for this fight. It was going to be unforgettable. And it was. I’ll never forget that it only lasted 2 minutes.

Jordan was kicked below the waist and instantly gave up. Maybe he was surprised that you’re allowed to kick in a sport called kick boxing.

I wanted to congratulate Jordan for his performance. In the end, all I could say was: “I want my money back for that suit. I didn’t get the wear out of it.”

To be honest, Jordan could have saved us all some bother and just had a fight in a pub car park. It would have lasted as long, and we could have all had a nice drink afterwards.

I think it’s time to talk a little about the woman sitting next to my brother. And who deserves great credit for not making a run for it after I started these stories…

I have to say that, despite what you might think from my anecdotes, Laura has definitely found a top man. When we were growing up, Jordan always stuck up for me. At school, if there was trouble lurking, Jordan stepped in straight away. And since those days, he has always been there for me whenever I have needed him.

I am very lucky that Jordan is not just a great brother, he is a brilliant friend. Over the years, we’ve shared so many incredible times together, and I know there will be many more. Even if he didn’t clean the room or let me win any of the fights when we were little.

So, Laura. What more can I say? Despite all his flaws, you have clearly found yourself a great husband. Whatever adventures await you both, I wish you nothing but a fun, fulfilling life together. And many shared romantic evenings… watching Tyson Fury fights!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Could you please grab your glasses and be upstanding….. as we raise a toast….

… to Jordan and Laura!

END

Here are some pointers on the third speech.

1. It’s quite common for a brother to share Best Man speaking duties with a friend of the groom too. In this case, it’s a good idea to keep the speech a bit shorter. This one is about 1,000 words rather than 1,300.
2. If you’re doing a speech about your brother, some stories from when you were younger work well. They don’t have to be classics. Just give a flavour of what growing up together was like.
3. You don’t need loads of stories. Hobbies and obsessions are a good thing to use. Here we’ve used his obsession with Tyson Fury and his general clumsiness.
4. The longest story is left to the end of the central “funny” section. It’s then a simple segue into talking about the bride and concluding with some kind words about what a good brother he is.

These speeches are no more than examples. But I hope they’ve shown you that writing a speech – with or without the help of CHEAT GPT – is very much within your abilities. If you’re uncertain, or time is tight or you simply want the very best “best man speech” you can lay your hands on, then a professional writer can help. Just click on my Best Man speech page for more details about how I can write you a knock-out speech.

Thanks, Marc